Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
tell em, edith-anne
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.