I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years