me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.