My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda