16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.