It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
What’s a Messi?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.