I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’