i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.