A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds