Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
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inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.