You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
shampoo implies shampee
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.