Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!