If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.