I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?