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9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
From my Mom
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.