I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
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My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Challenge accepted.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.