[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Meme Monday.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
It do be feeling this way.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!