me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
saving face 👀
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.