The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
You Might Also Like
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
We’ve come full circle
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Just so funny
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.