me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.