The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this