My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
All generalizations are stupid.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Danger is very dangerous
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me