[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
when there are deer in the woods
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent