meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open