Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Lol.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones