instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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Have a lovely day 😊
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Kids, do not try this at home!
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?