I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Gods work.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.