Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Dear Lord..
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats