If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
You Might Also Like
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles