Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this