*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
OH. COME. ON.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
real
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
You have been warned.
I cannot call her anything else now