Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
You Might Also Like
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
no one likes gloating
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..