You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You Might Also Like
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Sheep
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂