They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.