mumsnet is amazing
You Might Also Like
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.