Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
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My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Breaking news:
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Meow?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.