[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]