Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
You Might Also Like
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
nyc:
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
The “baby” on the left….
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.