Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
paddle faster i hear baby shark
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.