[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
definitely did not do anything wrong
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.