I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?