🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.