me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
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Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to