Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
What even happened today?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo