Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.