Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Here’s a meme
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]