Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Care for your back
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.