Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
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Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”