[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo