I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Good boy 😂😂
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
lol
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.